The month started as any other. I would get up in the morning and I would go to work. On May 8th I decided that I would pick up an extra shift. I was almost done when I went to the restroom and noticed that I had a green discharge. I started to worry. “This can’t be normal”. As soon as I got off from work I called the OB on call and informed her of what was going on. She told me that as long as there wasn’t an odor that it would be ok. I thought to myself “how can anything green be ok?” but I listened to her and I went home to rest. The rest of the weekend went pretty normal. Then Wednesday may 12th was a very hot and humid day. I went to work to my client’s home. This was my only shift for the day and I was looking forward to relaxing for the rest of the day. I finished my work and went home 3 hours later. On my way home I decided that I really wanted a watermelon. I ran into the store and as I walked out of the store I felt a kick and suddenly my pants were wet. I got in the car and I began to worry. I stopped to pick my mom up from work and I called my OB again. She told me to get to the emergency room immediately. I dropped my mom off and picked up my fiancé. We rushed to the ER. I got in and within 30 minutes I was in labor and delivery. The midwife came into the room and she checked the fluid and yes my water broke. The doctor came in to do an exam and I was told that I was already 4 cm dilated and that I will have my son today. I was in complete shock.
The doctor sent a couple of nurses in to hook up a lot of equipment. They had the band around my belly to monitor my son’s heartbeat. It took what felt an hour for them to get an IV in me because my veins kept collapsing. My mom showed up around 6pm. I couldn’t believe that I was already there for 2 hours. Once everything was hooked up they started all of the fluids. The doctor returned into the room and told me that he was going to start me on magnesium. He warned me that I would feel like I was hit by a truck. He also did an ultrasound. He informed us that the baby was breached and that I would have to get a C-Section. How much bad news can one doctor give you in such a short period? They started the magnesium and gave it time to work. Around 8pm the doctor returned to my room to do an exam. I was now 6cm dilated. He told me that he was going to contact another hospital to see if I could get transferred. The neonatologist said it was too risky to transport me and that I could deliver anytime now. I had to stay. They sent the paramedic NICU truck from Akron children’s hospital and a pediatrician was on its way. The doctor told us the news and said “ok let move her into the OR.” I just got into the OR and I began to cry hysterically. I wasn’t ready for this. “Will my baby survive? Is he going to die? What are his odds?” I kept asking but no one would answer me.
Around 9pm the doctor came into the OR. “I have a feeling, so I’m going to do another ultrasound”. And he began. After about 5 minutes he tells me that the bay has turned and that I didn’t need the surgery. I sigh of relieve but still very worried. He contacted the neonatologist back and then he returned to the room. He explained to me, “I’m going to keep the magnesium and a shot of steroids in your thigh. “ I got all of the medication and then my fiancé came into the room to be with me. The doctor sat in front of me and finished breaking my water. “It’s just a matter of time now” he said and he walked away. I was in the OR with 2 nurses and my fiancé. I didn’t feel very good at all. Around 10pm my contractions got to the point that I needed to push. The midwife said “go ahead and try but I don’t think that you are ready” I got half way into my push and she yelled stop. She ran and got the doctor. It was time to have a baby. At 11:04pm my little baby was born. The nurse wrapped him in a towel and ran him out of the room the awaiting team from Akron children’s hospital. The doctor continued to work on me. He was trying to remove my placenta when the umbilical cord ripped. He said that he thought he got it all but he wasn’t sure. He then stitched me up from the little incision he had to make and I was taken back to my room. My mom and Kevin were at the window watching them work on my little baby.
At 12am. The pediatrician came in and told us that they had to do CPR for about 1 minute. He opened his eyes but the nurse and the EMT’s will bring him in shortly so I can see him. About 15 minutes later here came in this big plastic box with this tiny little boy in it. The nurse handed me a bag with swabs in it. She explained that those are for when I pump and this little ghost like creature. She told me to sleep with him and when I come to the NICU to visit him I can put it in his isolette so he can always smell me. The paramedic guy came over and opened the door and told me not to be scared and to touch him. He was very greasy and they said that it was to protect his skin. I spent a few minutes with him and then it was time to go. Seeing them take my little baby away was heart breaking. I cried for an hour after they left. I called the NICU at 1:30am but I was informed that the doctor would return my call as soon as they are finished working with my son.
For the entire night I was back and forth to the restroom. My bleeding was getting worse. I had to call a nurse a few times into my room. She made me eat a sandwich and take some medication. I took the medicine and I lay in bed watching TV. At 4 am the nurse walked into my room and said that I had a phone call. I answered and it was a doctor from the NICU at the children’s hospital. She told me that my baby as doing well. He is still intubated but he was on 23%. She said that was very good considering that room air is 21%. They have all of his IV’s started and they also started him on IV nutrition. She told me that he is a very active little guy. He put up a fight on everything they tried to do. She also told me that they did an x-ray and everything looked good and they drew some blood and they are waiting for the results. She also told me that if I had any questions I could call anytime of the night to check on him. She told me to try to get some rest because it was quite a traumatic experience that I just went through and that I needed my strength. Before hanging up she asked me if I decided on his name and I told her “yes his name is going to be Bryan Nathaniel” we hung up the phone and I called my fiancé and my mom.
Around 6am a doctor came in the room to tell me that she was working on my discharge papers so I could leave and get to children’s to see my son. She left and shortly after that the social worker came in so I could fill out all the paperwork for his birth certificate and his social security card. Kevin got back to the hospital around 9am. He signed the papers and I was discharged. I called my mom to tell her that they let me go home and that I was going to shower and get dressed and then we were going to go see my little man. My bleeding was still very bad. I didn’t know that this wasn’t normal so I just continued with my morning. I showered and sat down for a minute to rest. Then we got into the car. We went and picked up my mom and we drove to Akron children’s hospital to see little Bryan.
We finally arrived at Akron children’s. The sight of this enormous hospital was shocking to me for the first time. It’s sad knowing that this big place is full of sick children. We walked in and checked in to get our name tags. We got directions to the NICU and we were heading over. We got to the big double doors that had a big sign saying “NICU. Wash hands before entering.” We called back to make sure it was ok to enter then we scrubbed our hands. I didn’t even make it through those doors and I broke down. I told my mom and fiancé, “I can’t do this. I can’t go in there”. After a few minutes I was okay and we headed in. the receptionist showed us were my little baby was located. We walked in and this nurse smiled at us and greeted us. She showed me my son and told me to touch him. She left to get the doctor to talk to us. I sat there staring at this tiny little boy with all these wires and tubes hooked up to him. I remember thinking to myself, “I’m sorry that I failed you”. I was quickly distracted by the doctor walking in. she was explaining to us that he was doing very well and she was wondering if we were ok with participating in a clinical trial. They would just draw a little extra blood during a normal blood drawl routine. I thought that would be ok and I signed the form. She also explained what all the wires were for and what all he was hooked up too. She then continued to explain that the blue light were bilirubin lights and that was to help him with his jaundice. It was very overwhelming. I got up to walk around and I quickly lost all my color and became very dizzy. The nurse quickly jumped up and grabbed me and asked someone to roll over a chair. I was asked if I got any sleep or ate anything. I remember telling them, “ how do you expect anyone to get sleep after going through something like this, and I ate a half of an omelet, and threw it away cause I felt nauseated”. The nurse went and got some apple juice and some crackers for me. She sat next to me and told me, “hunny, you are no good to your son this way. Go home and get some sleep and eat a good meal. If anything happens I will call you.” So after a few more minutes staring at my tiny baby we left.
I finally arrived home and I laid down on the couch. I was feeling very week. I went to the restroom and noticed that I was still bleeding very badly. This being my first child I thought that it was normal. Kevin made me something to eat and then I laid down to get some sleep. I woke up every 3 hours to pump and to check up on my son. Needless to say I did not sleep well. This was a very stressful time I was going through and the only thing that kept going through my head is how I failed my son and how everything was my fault.
The next morning I was up and ready to go at 6am. I decided to let Kevin sleep, so I got up and pumped then got into the shower. Kevin’s mom is due to arrive sometimes today to meet her grandson. I really wasn’t ready to see any family but I knew she really wanted to see him. Once ready I told Kevin that I was leaving and I headed to the NICU. Once I arrived I called back to get the okay to come in. I headed to the sink to scrub my hands, looking around and realizing that a surgeon does this god knows how many times a day. I walked in to see my little man. The nurse greeted me and updated me on my son. She told me that he did great throughout the night and that he did lose some weight. She must have noticed the concerned look on my face and reassured me that it was normal for them to lose weight the first few days. I spent some time just sitting there holding his tiny hand. I started to look around and noticed the group of doctors and nurses walking into the room. They were doing their morning rounds. The doctor walked over to me and told me how great he was doing. They wanted to start weening him off the ventilator. He was sitting at 21% and doing great. I was thinking “are you nuts, look at how small he is”. But I tried to trust them. A few hours later I went home to get a break. I just made it out of the front door heading to the parking deck, when I got hit with a big anxiety attack. It took me a few minutes to calm down, and then I headed home. Once I arrived home I sat in the living room with Kevin and we waited for his family to show up. His mom arrived in the afternoon and we all headed back to children’s.
Once we all arrived we did the normal calling and scrubbing routine before heading back. The nurse told me that he has been behaving and nothing eventful has been going on. Kevin’s mom was looking at him and took pictures. I really thought that the pictures wouldn’t bother me, but after a few I started feeling aggravated and I got up. I know she meant no harm but I’ve been feeling very irritated that day. We spent a few hours there because I know she was going to have to return to North Carolina soon. We all went home around dinner time and I laid down to get some sleep. This needless to say was another restless night. Between pumping and calling I could not relax.
Saturday morning, Kevin’s mom came over so that we could all go to the NICU to see him. Today Bryan was going to get baptized. My mom and stepdad also met us there for it. It was really nice and the pastor was wonderful with him. Our nurse even participated in the event. It actually made me feel better that we were doing this. We all put our names on a form so that we could get his certificate with everyone’s name on it that was there to participate. I got a seashell and a really nice handkerchief from the ceremony. It defiantly was one of the best decisions that we ever made. We spent our entire day at the NICU with him. It was amazing watching I’m move around and watching him take his little shades off so that the bilirubin light wouldn’t hurt his eyes. He was an active little guy. We all went home pretty late that afternoon so that we could get up early to take Kevin’s mom to see him one more time before leaving to go home.
We were all up and ready by 7am. We got into our cars and headed to the NICU so that Kevin’s mom could say by to our little boy. After she left we stayed awhile even though I was not feeling well. Around 10am I decided to go home and lay down. Once we got home I went to go lay down and I started having terrible cramps. I got up to go to the restroom to find that I had severe bleeding. It felt like something was trying to come out of me and I started to contract. I screamed for Kevin and told him to get the car ready that I needed to go to the ER. We left and on our way there, I called my mom and Kevin called his to let them know that something was wrong with me. I walking into the ER, after I notified my midwife and I was directed straight to labor and delivery. Once I got up there, the nurse ran up to me and helped me into a room and got me undressed.
Within seconds the doctor came into the room to do an exam. She ordered the nurse to get a DNC cart. She looked at me and told me to try to relax that she was going to have to clean me out and she wasn’t sure what was going on. After a few minutes she said, “Sabrina, I need you to push. You have giant clots and your placenta is trying to come out.” I was in shock. I was thinking, “wasn’t that supposed to be delivered already?” I started pushing and after 30 minutes of pushing, the doctor removed 3 handfuls of placenta and blood clots. The smell was terrible but the bleeding just about completely stopped. I had to go onto antibiotics for the infection and a medication to help my uterus contract back to normal size. I was completely exhausted. She told me to lay here and relax for a little while. I did and after about an hour I went to shower and get dressed. I was feeling much better, and my bleeding was gone. I decided that I wanted to go see Bryan instead of going home. So we went to the NICU for a few hours and watch Bryan sleep and we told the nurse what happened and then we went home and I was able to sleep for the first time myself.
The next few days were uneventful. Bryan was growing and doing well. On Tuesday the 18th we went into the NICU just in time for rounds. We were told that they were going to discontinue Bryan’s bilirubin lights and that they were going to start feeding him breast milk today. I was very excited for my little man. This seemed like a very big step for him. We spent the entire day with our little man. Around 3pm the nutritionist came by and brought Bryan’s food. Now we would just have to wait. At 4:30 pm the nurse came over to Bryan’s isolette to do his vitals. After she changed his diaper and did all of her work she fixed him his food. It took a few minutes for it to get warm and then she walked back over to us with this tiny syringe with 1cc of breast milk in it. She plugged it into his NG tube and slowly pushed it in. my little man had his first meal. After she fed him, she unplugged both the top and bottom bilirubin lights and hauled them away. It seemed like such a big day for my little man. We stayed for a few more feeding and as we were about to leave for the night, the nurse asked if we would like to feed him. Kevin stepped right up and volunteered to feed him. She showed him how to plug the syringe into the NG tube and he slowly pushed the feed in. then we went home for the night.
The next day was a normal routine. Every three hours my little man was getting his hands on care and he would get to eat. He had much more energy today. His little legs were moving all the time. The nurse ended up having to swaddle him in a bandana to keep him still. They were concerned that he would start burning way to many calories moving around like that nonstop. He was swaddled maybe 10 minutes, and then he was sound asleep. We stayed with him for the entire day. Daddy did a few more of his feeds. We went home pretty late that night. Our little man gained some weight today. He was 1.10oz. Almost back to his birth weight.
We got a phone call from the NICU at 7am telling us to come in as soon as we could. I woke Kevin up and we got dressed and headed right in. we walked in and sat down next to our little man. He looked very sick. His belly was blue and very swollen. The doctor came in and sat down next to us. He told us that he had to stop Bryan’s feeds because it looked like he developed NEC which is short for necrotizing entercolitis. He explained to us that it is an infection of the intestines that can cause the intestines to die. He ordered some blood work and we were waiting for the lady to come down the draw his blood. He is also going to order some x-rays to take a look at his intestines. They started him on a broad spectrum of antibiotics. He told us that he would talk to us as soon as he knew something.
After hours of waiting we decided to leave to get some dinner. We made it a fast dinner. When we got back he said that the x-ray did not look good and he called for a surgical consult. We stepped outside to call our family to let them know what was going on. We returned after 15 minutes and there was a different doctor looking at him. He introduced himself as a surgical resident and he was looking at Bryan and then he was going to report to his boss. We let him do his exam and he told us that he would be back down shortly. Around 7pm another doctor came in and he was a surgeon. He examined Bryan and sat down. He wanted to do an exploratory surgery. He did not believe that it was NEC but he also thought that if he did not go into surgery that he would not make. We signed the consent forms and we stepped outside. I barely made it out of the door and I began to cry. Kevin called my mom and told her to come up here because Bryan was having emergency surgery.
My mom and step dad got to children’s around 8:30pm. We went into o see Bryan when the phone rang. The nurse stepped out and got the respiratory technician. They said it was time to go. We walked next to Bryan to the surgery elevators and went up with him. The entire surgical staff was waiting on us. I touched him and told him that I loved him. The nurse told me that she would take very good care of him. Then as they were taking him away we went to wait in the surgical waiting room. It seemed like it took forever. At 10:30pm the surgeon came into the waiting room. He explained to us that surgery was the right decision. Bryan did not have NEC. His bowel perforated and fecal matter leaked into his abdominal cavity. He has become septic and his kidneys have shut down. Bryan now had an ostamy and he was very sick. He told us that he will do everything that he could but if he does not start urinating by morning, then we should consider turning off the ventilator. We shook his hands and we all looked at each other. My parents left to go home and we went back down into the NICU to see him. Bryan looked very comfortable and he was sleeping. He was still getting his antibiotics because he was septic and he was also on a morphine drip. The surgeon ordered several boluses throughout the night. We went home to get some sleep. Emotionally we were completely drained.
That night it was a very restless night. When I did finally fall asleep, I had nightmares. I remember waking up to pump then falling asleep after. I had the worst dream that time. My dream was about getting a call from the NICU telling us to come up there. When we arrived Bryan was very swollen and very sick. They told us that his kidneys never started back up and that it was time for us to get ready to say goodbye. I called family and told them to come up. We went to a private room to spend some time with our little man. We were all talking to him and touching him. We were telling him how much we loved him and how we would love for nothing more than for him to urinate. I woke up right as the doctor came in to remove is ventilator so he could go peacefully.
When I woke up I looked at the time, it was only 5am. I figured it was time to call. I know I wouldn’t be able to rest until I knew. I called up there and asked to speak to my sons nurse. I was on hold what felt like forever. The nurse finally answered the phone apologizing for taking so long to get to me. She told us that he was doing wonderful. I took a deep breath and mumbled “did he pee?” I heard her laugh and say “ hunny, yes he did right before you called. I never knew a preemie diaper could hold so much urine. There was over an ounce of urine in that diaper.” I started crying on the phone. She was so kind and continued to talk to me as I shed tears of joy. I remember getting off the phone thanking god and calling my mom. Yeah I didn’t realize it was almost 6am or maybe later when I called her. I told her that he was okay and that he peed. She also cried some happy tears. Me and Kevin hurried up there to be with our little fighter.
When we arrived at the NICU, Bryan’s surgeon, nurse, and NICU doctor were near him talking. My anxiety immediately sky rocketed. We walked over and sat down. The doctor turned to us and smiled, “Bryan is doing great. He has to finish his antibiotics. He is still very ill but he started urinating and that is an excellent sign.” He then walked away. We spent the entire day with him just talking to him and holding his tiny hand. We told him how proud we were off him and how he put up such a big fight. To me he was the strongest person I have ever met. We finally went home around 10pm. Bryan was doing well and I needed the rest.
I woke up early that morning and I decided to let Kevin sleep. I showered and got dressed then headed to the NICU. When I got there I said hello to a fellow preemie mom that I have gotten to know. She did not look very happy. I continued to walk over to see my little man. The nurse told me that he had a good night and that he seems to be doing well. He was sleeping. He was still on the morphine drip, which I was going to ask about at rounds to see when they will discontinue it. I would hate for my baby to get addicted on it, but yet I don’t want to see him in pain. These can be difficult decisions. A few minutes later I saw the doctors and nurses begin their rounds. Once they got to us I asked about the morphine and the doctor told me that he got was slowly going to start cutting it down. I’m ready to see some life in my baby again.
Much to my surprise after going home to get Kevin, the nurses had a shift change and she came and introduced herself to us. I sat there holding Bryans little hand when she turned around and asked, “have you ever held your son?” I looked up at her and shook my head no. she went and got some screens and a kangaroo chair. She told me to get comfortable then she had a nurse come over to help her get Bryan out of his isolette. Today was my first time doing kangaroo care and it felt great. My little angel was tucked into my shirt sleeping soundly. Needless to say I decided to join him and we took a good 2 hour nap together.
When I woke up after my nap with Bryan the nurse walked over and told me that it was time to put him back for his hands on care. I agreed and she called the other nurse over to help her return Bryan to his bed. She did his care and she smiled at me “he kept his body temperature up very nicely” I stepped outside to get some air and just to walk around for a bit. Once me and Kevin returned the nurse said that there was a call for us. We looked confused. She handed us the phone and it was the Ronald McDonald house. We got a room, we are now able to stay right across the street from our little man. We rushed home to pack everything that we needed and we returned to check into the house.
Once we were checked in it was time to eat dinner. We ate and then we returned to the NICU to see our little man again before going to bed. It was quite sad sitting there with this little baby having to fight this terrible infection and he has been sleeping since his surgery. I was ready for him to recover and be better. As we wanted to leave we noticed that the doors were closed and there were screens up everywhere. My heart sank as I saw a fellow preemie mom that I have come to know crying at one of her two isolettes. We sat back down and waited for them to remove the screens, just to give this family some privacy. About an hour later we left and headed over to get some sleep.
It was really nice to be able to wake up in the morning and just walk over to see Bryan. As I walked into the NICU I saw that lady and I stopped to ask her if she was ok. She explained to me what had happened and I gave her a hug. I walked over to Bryan and I touched him and told him that I loved him. I could never imagine going through what she just went through. I can’t even imagine losing my little baby. Later on that morning I met a new family that was in the pod right across from us. They were super friendly and they had a beautiful little girl that was also very sick. We would speak to each other throughout the day and ask one another how our babies were doing. Meeting people really seemed to help having to live the NICU life.
It was a very uneventful day as were the next 7 days after that. I remember walking into the NICU a little later than usual that day. I knew that I had missed rounds but I walked in to see the surgeon looking at Bryan and talking to the NICU doctor. As the surgeon walked out smiling at me the NICU doctor told me “today is a big day for Bryan.” I sat down and just stared at him. The doctor continued to explain” today is day number 10, we are discontinuing his antibiotics and he gets to start eating again. He has also been successfully weaned off the morphine” I looked over at Bryan and to my surprise his little eyes were open. I smiled and thanked the doctor for the wonderful news. An hour later Kevin came over to join us and I told him the news. Today was the first day that Kevin did kangaroo care with our little miracle baby.
